A Little Appreciation For Myself

I am a chronically depressed transgender woman.
I think looking back in my life, it probably is not the most exciting.
The sex was exciting before transition.
But with all the downs I am pretty much amazed at myself
For having created art that even I appreciate.

I really wonder how I lasted this long in the world
Now I choose to believe that everything is a miracle.

Looking Back, Far Back In History

There is something about the past, a hundred, a thousand years ago.
The ancient history, medieval times, mythology.

It's just beautiful, the tragedy, the romance, the simplicity, sophistry, elegance, sadness, intricacies.
EVERYTHING.

I am being chased by beautiful romantic moments that I would imagine, no matter how romantic or tragic they were. I could just picture them (or myself) in my imagination.

Maybe reincarnation is real? Well, who knows.

But yeah, th classic paintings, classic designs, faded designs, vintag stuff. everything antique-looking.

Aah.

WTF Is your problem?

Nagsimula lang lahat sa pagreklamo ko sa paninigarilyo mo sa loob ng bahay.
Wala ka talagang pakialam kahit kanino. Ang lagi mong linya: Wag ka makialam. Kahit kanino sasabihin mo yan. Kung ano ano pa sasabihin mo na walang kaugnayan.
Demonyo kang ate ka naituringan ka pa namang mas nakakatanda.

Di bale ng bihira ako maligo, at nasa kwarto  ako at gumagawa ako ng mga art kesyo pananahi, pagpaint, atbp. at wala akong lovelife dahil kuntento na ako sa buhay ko. Kesa naman sa iyo kababae mong tao hatinggabi kasama mga tropa mong masamang impuwensya naglalaseng kayo tapos lagi lagi mong hinaharass anak mo kaya wala ng respeto sayo lagi na din nakasigaw tulad mo.
Gagamitin mo pa ang excuse na lagi ako nasa kwarto. Eh marami akong pinagkakaabalahan sa kwarto online games, arts, crafts, surfing the net, anime. Palibhasa yung kwarto mo hindi mo linilinis ginawa mo na lang tambakan ng mga gamit na ilang taon ng hindi ginagamit. Kaya lahat
 ng tao dito kailangan maparusahan makita kang natutulog sa sala labas ang pwet at kulang na lang pekpek mo makitaan.

Hindi ako sobrang bored sa buhay ko na kailangan ko ang company ng iba di ako tulad mo. Marami ako kaya gawin just by being alone. Marami ako nagagawa. Mula noon ang laki na ng inggit mo saakin. Di naman ako ang inispoil ng magulang kundi ikaw. Di ko na kasalanan un problema mo na yun. Kung saan saan mo pa papupuntahin ang usapan Wag ka lang magyosi sa loob ng bahay dahil naamoy ko at ng mga bata. Simple.

Tapos pati ung tita mo na nagalaga sayo pag may sinabi lang sasabihan mo rin ng linya mong "wag kang makialam" Palibahasa hindi mo hinuhugasan sarili mong plato at un tissue mo ng pinagsingahan mo ng sipon tinatapon mo lang sa sahig. Nananadya ka na talaga. Sasabihin mo parin lagi "wag kang makialam" Pwes, habang nandito ako nakatira makikialam ako dahil ang talagang rule naman sa bahay ay para sa ikabubuti ng iba, Pero lagi mo ngang sinasabi "Wala akong pakialam" Pwes, wala rin akong pakialam sayo.

Thoughts, Art and the Heat

Summer starts. I know it will, and has. I wonder why I am even surprised.

I think it is the heat that drives us into a weird little place of deep thinking.

Anyway, I wish there was a more cohesive and eloquent explanation to all of this.
 I am cautious about everything that I watch online, and everything that I get feeded with. At the back of my head there's this hidden agenda of certain political issues that not even the smartest, most political people could nor would notice. Just the subliminal and unconscious deep that sometimes I find can be so concealed even by the main issues of a particular topic.
It is always good to have a certain degree of doubt even when you are feeded the truth.

The truth is the truth but the whole story is never absolute.

I will always have a little doubt in everything. I think skepticism is healthy.
I might just be a cynic, though I wonder what is more healthy between the too.
I think they are healthy at some certain extent.

I think if we all are skeptics with smiles on our faces and a bright, and positive attitude, that would make the whole world better.

Unfortunately, as individuals, we are given different kinds of perspectives upon our very personal and unique experiences. That shapes us into different beings.
And I notice that the more we age, the more limitations are put into our imagination.

As someone who does art, I find myself more uninhabited with art when I was younger, Though there was a lot to learn that time, the limitations were less in those times when it comes to doing art. The logic was lesser making the art have more freedom and capability even if the technique was lacking. The ideas weren't so limited by the logical restrictions.

It may not seem obvious but when you matur - more logic is being use and that affects art. Physics affect how we shape our art even if it is the subconscious. It may not translate into the major message of the art but it does with the little details. Proportion, distance. Physics affect us and our art.

We weren't so encumbered by physics regarding our art (and other crafts) when we were young. Unless that is actually science that we do. We were free doing unproportioned bodies and stick boies, flowers that fly in the air, clouds that are red an every other thing.

The child in each of us started out as an unrestricted genius that slowly became mellowed down by this plane of existence.

We could only wish for youth But youth not only means looking young, it is also that passion for life.
A passion that might dwindle for some of us. We need that special formula for that zest for life and a positive attitude everyday.