First Album Plans

I had an epiphany about what the theme for my first album should be. It is about love for one's self.
Finding love in yourself for me, is the very hardest thing to do. It takes time and it doesn't always go smoothly.

Fasting: My Personal Experience

I am an experienced faster. If you want to remove your illness try a  3 day fast. Nothing , no food just drinking water.
1st day - hardest day to fight hunger- tongue white at the end of the day or 2
2nd day - a little fatigue or maybe some headache you still think of food
3rd day - you could vomit. tongue still white breathe stinks you
4th day - weakness. you could also vomit if you didn't the 3rd day
5th day - everything is almost clearing up you don't feel hungry at all
6th day - same as 5th day but do remember to take water always to avoid the headaches. but u don't feel the need to eat. and skin is clearing up.

that is how long I fasted. But only take soups and liquids first week of breaking the fast. And you realize your arthritis is gone and other illnesses. Clearer complexion. I feel someone my complexion was better.

A Little Appreciation For Myself

I am a chronically depressed transgender woman.
I think looking back in my life, it probably is not the most exciting.
The sex was exciting before transition.
But with all the downs I am pretty much amazed at myself
For having created art that even I appreciate.

I really wonder how I lasted this long in the world
Now I choose to believe that everything is a miracle.

Who You Are. Who You Truly Are

Fat, Ugly, Weird, Old, Creepy, or whatever it is

At the end of the day,
It's just an adjective.
It doesn't define you.

You need to see past the definition
To see your true self.

For who you are
For who you truly are.

What Does Aging Gracefully and Well Mean?

What does it mean really?

Like if you have a certain wrinkle in the face that is not too obtrusive with the facial features?
How big is a wrinkle? How prominent it is?
The skin texture? What kind of texture should it be?

Is it just nitpicking?
Or do people see it on the face as a whole?
Or not just the face but the body?

Hmm, I am curious. These standards are too vague, It's all subjective. But still there's a majority.

Well, I guess looks matter.

An Idea About A Movement

I am thinking about starting or at least making an idea about a certain movement.
You know about garbage people just throw ANYWHERE.
Sigh. It never ends so I thought of an idea that is simple yet anyone could.

Maybe this is a movement, an idea or simply just a rant.

It basically is just about making sure that there is a garbage can/trash bin or whatever you call it
in the vicnity. Everywhere. For like 20 steps more or less (I don't know how to convert it to square meters but maybe 10-20 sq. m) There should be some can where people could throw their trash.

Sometimes I go out and walk and sometimes I see a dirty place and there was no trash can.
I think this is simple. I think this is one small step.

I am.

I am a creative person, I guess It is not assuming and arrogant to say that I am an artist. I have sewed, stitched, embroidered, weaved, painted, sketched, stenciled, patterned, laid out, imagined, created, sculpted, crafted, designed twisted wires, decoupaged, modified, edited, photoshopped, youtubed, flashed, powerpointed, wrote, enhanced, sang, and danced through all the stuff that took my interest. What's missing is to finish the record track that I am producing and make a music video out of it.
martial arts too, if I weren't so lazy to move my body and weren't shy to be seen with sweat and being active then I would probably join a martial arts program as well.

WTF Is your problem?

Nagsimula lang lahat sa pagreklamo ko sa paninigarilyo mo sa loob ng bahay.
Wala ka talagang pakialam kahit kanino. Ang lagi mong linya: Wag ka makialam. Kahit kanino sasabihin mo yan. Kung ano ano pa sasabihin mo na walang kaugnayan.
Demonyo kang ate ka naituringan ka pa namang mas nakakatanda.

Di bale ng bihira ako maligo, at nasa kwarto  ako at gumagawa ako ng mga art kesyo pananahi, pagpaint, atbp. at wala akong lovelife dahil kuntento na ako sa buhay ko. Kesa naman sa iyo kababae mong tao hatinggabi kasama mga tropa mong masamang impuwensya naglalaseng kayo tapos lagi lagi mong hinaharass anak mo kaya wala ng respeto sayo lagi na din nakasigaw tulad mo.
Gagamitin mo pa ang excuse na lagi ako nasa kwarto. Eh marami akong pinagkakaabalahan sa kwarto online games, arts, crafts, surfing the net, anime. Palibhasa yung kwarto mo hindi mo linilinis ginawa mo na lang tambakan ng mga gamit na ilang taon ng hindi ginagamit. Kaya lahat
 ng tao dito kailangan maparusahan makita kang natutulog sa sala labas ang pwet at kulang na lang pekpek mo makitaan.

Hindi ako sobrang bored sa buhay ko na kailangan ko ang company ng iba di ako tulad mo. Marami ako kaya gawin just by being alone. Marami ako nagagawa. Mula noon ang laki na ng inggit mo saakin. Di naman ako ang inispoil ng magulang kundi ikaw. Di ko na kasalanan un problema mo na yun. Kung saan saan mo pa papupuntahin ang usapan Wag ka lang magyosi sa loob ng bahay dahil naamoy ko at ng mga bata. Simple.

Tapos pati ung tita mo na nagalaga sayo pag may sinabi lang sasabihan mo rin ng linya mong "wag kang makialam" Palibahasa hindi mo hinuhugasan sarili mong plato at un tissue mo ng pinagsingahan mo ng sipon tinatapon mo lang sa sahig. Nananadya ka na talaga. Sasabihin mo parin lagi "wag kang makialam" Pwes, habang nandito ako nakatira makikialam ako dahil ang talagang rule naman sa bahay ay para sa ikabubuti ng iba, Pero lagi mo ngang sinasabi "Wala akong pakialam" Pwes, wala rin akong pakialam sayo.

Focusing on Health.

Bought some coconut oil, vitamin E and C supplements.
I want to get better. I am positive more than ever.
And it is gonna get better and better.

More positive and more driven.
Sick and tired of being down so long.

I've never felt so happy.. I could almost cry.
Thank you Vitamin E!
LOL


This high on March 19, I want to remember it forever, Always happy.
I can do it.

A Little More About Me and Life (Again)

Growing up I was always shy and timid, I still am at some point. More likely reserved. But there's always an invisible raised eyebrow and an unseen wall that exists in the back of my head. I like to keep it cool and laid-back. But I don't give retorts in a laid-back manner, I kill it swiftly or just ignore it depending on my mood.

When I was young I was forced to play gender roles that I don't really like.
You are this so you should carry that.
You are that so you must grow up to be that.
This is the toy for you, not the other one.
Why are people so hellbent on my fucking gender business?

Even today, People tell me not to do this or that because I am of a certain gender.
Well, fuck you. This is my fucking body. I am the one that has to live with it and not you.

And with those lines people have misunderstood me yet again, Perceiving me as to be already angry.
But in fact, I am just stating facts.
And no, I just don't have time for bullshit.

I am so sick of ignorant and close-minded people who know nothing of my journey.
They are so stuck up with their mundane and traditional, old ways that they forget to live a little and learn how to respect another person's way of living.

And this is an old story and I have moved on. But it is fun to mention such things.
Sometimes you remember insignificant things being told about you.
And as human beings we take emotion as a good catalyst for recording memories.

I mean, someone has already called me immoral. And he is gay. Like WTF right?
I mean, I am not the one chasing after a guy and then signs up for a religious group.
Such an effin' hypocrite.

Anyway, Enough about retards. lol.

Now I am just living a life that I hope in the future would be worth it. If not, well, We could always find a reason that would make us feel better, or worst case brainwash ourselves that our life is good. Not to be a pessimist But I am not.
I just like shifting from polar perspectives. It does sound pessimistic because the easy and great things are always predictable. When you compare the ending of some movie, the happy ending always goes like; They got married, or they lived happily after, or he survived and became successful.

The bad stuff is more complicated, sophisticated and artistic for me, Compared to the good stuff, Like some plot twist that leaves the viewers hanging and feeling just a little bit empty or manipulated in a bad way, Or be forced into a situation that leaves the main character helpless.

We complain a lot because we don't like those things and most of them are not even the worst.
But because we leave anything below the good - as bad.  We can't take mediocrity.

That is the beauty of living in this world. A world where there's a variety of opinion. Although results mostly only matter, But because there's a variety of opinion, the opinion could trump a bad result.

When we only see what we want to see,It is how we think that makes us. It changes everything.

Humanity

Sometimes In the awfully silent moments I find myself staring at my bare hand. Lots of lines.
What am I doing? What am I thinking? Am I the only one?
Just by looking at it, I could feel the reality, the raw truth of my existence saying "I am here. I am alive"

In retrospect, I find myself just thinking without limitation. I mean, Why would I think about every soul that has ever existed in this plane?
Why does death happen? I do wonder if we would be overpopulated if no one dies.

I don't want to think about life and death but sometimes I wonder what is the whole effing point.
I could go on and on about strange stuff that may seem inappropriate and awkward when it comes to humanities and our origins but no matter what I may think It all is just a whole can of worms that is really just pointless. Even if it is, I still acknowledge it through this little article.

We all hurt. We all are our experiences towards one another.
Kindness is a virtue but variety is nature.
So expect all the crazy stuff people do.

I have yet to expand my horizons. I want to try opening my third eye.

Fears and Illusions

There's no point in asking if our lives are worth living for.
It's meaningless.
It's pointless.
Just live every single day as if it were the last.

Go ahead, make mistakes.
Go many directions.
Don't forget to always follow what you think is right.
And don't forget to follow your heart.
But mix in a little thinking.

Time is an illusion.
Only use it when you have a deadline or some goal.
Do everything.
Seize the day.

Fruitless may be the fruition.
There is no loss in trying.
Only values and lessons

Failure is an illusion itself hiding behind a concrete result.
Fear is an illusion of the mind.
We all fear.
We all fear failure.

Let the wind blow
Let the rain drop
Let the leaves fall
Let the sun shine
Let the day pass
Let the night rest.